As worded in the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English the meaning of the phrase “When the Smoke Clears” is as such: when things have stopped happening and the results can be clearly seen.

This phrase can be used for different purposes. I’m going to use it in regards to my life. Yesterday I went on a hike. I know, what an unsuspected thing for me to do! I needed it for a few reasons, one I am a single mom, a mom period, and I needed to clear my head, two, the business that my best friend and I are building, I needed to do “research”, and three, I need to get in shape for the upcoming trail clean up that I volunteered for. Montana has literally been in a cloud of smoke for several weeks now due to fires, and with many in the area that I reside, it has caused potentially dangerous air quality. I went on this hike none the less. The mountains called and I needed to go.

The trail I was on was St Mary’s Peak outside of Stevensville, MT in the Selway-Bitterroot wilderness. It was a 3.8 mile trek to the lookout, and with a 2500 ft. gain in elevation, it was a good workout to get up to the

elevation of over 9,300 ft. It was a beautiful hike all of the way up, but my lungs could feel the smoke in the air. As I sat at the top and looked out into the wilderness I was so glad that the smoke did not keep me away. The eerie sight, although cloaked with sadness due to the two lives claimed by the flames, beheld a beauty that only nature, and its unrelenting anger, could provide. This trail is known for it’s views, but with the smoke those were limited. I look forward to returning to the same spot and seeing what beauty it possesses on a clear day.

My husband, God rest his soul, never waited until the smoke cleared. I was always the one to step back and over think everything in the fear that one step might make a turn that was undesirable. I wanted the smoke to settle, I wanted clear answers. In my defense, in the 14 years we had been married things never stopped. Moves, rough patches in our marriage, a child, a logging accident, recovery period, business en-devours, another kid, a separation, and then cancer hit and tragedy. I was forced to move through the smoke no matter how hard I fought it. Looking back, I realized how I let the smoke, or those unclear answers, keep me from living a life that I desired. I let the smoke keep me from reaching my goals and from seeking that adventure that was pulling at me.

I can’t say that I never step back and wonder if I am making the right decisions, if I am brave enough to try out this new trail by myself, if I am capable of riding my bike on a trail without making a complete fool of myself, if I will survive taking kids out to find adventure in mountain biking or camping, if I am brave enough to get through the EMT course coming up in February, or if, just recently, the decision I made to make the move and put in an application to be a Volunteer firefighter. Sometimes fear grips me and I have to put my big girl panties on and walk through the smoke. I have come to the conclusion that if I waited until the smoke cleared, I’d be waiting forever. Nothing in life ever really stops and there are never any clear answers. If I really stop and think about it too, what fun would life be if there were clear answers all of the time? What fun would it be if I didn’t make a fool of myself here and there? I have been on some amazing adventures in the last couple of years. I’ve seen some amazing country on my bike, had an overnight camp trip with my best friend after we biked into the woods with our gear (and even some hula hoops), sat on the beach and learned how to relax on a complete whim. I got to understand the beauty that the screen of smoke in my life is, the beauty of the unknown, by seeing the mountains that I love so much covered in it . I am taking a page out of Jeff’s play book and I am going to live this life through the smoke.